Self-control and the boogie woogie sheep

Today I was reading an article by Jocelyn Glei on the 99% Behance website, in which she describes an 

experiment conducted by Stanford psychologist Walter Mischel. Mischel’s aim was determining the willingness to wait, or levels of “delayed gratification” within a group of four year olds. The children were each placed in a room with one, lonely looking marshmallow on a plate. They were then given the choice to either 1) gobble up the fluffy white treat that very instant, OR 2) wait patiently for an additional 15 minutes and be given TWO marshmallows. Several children agreed to the 15 minute waiting period, however many simply could not resist the temptation. There were, however, a number of children who were able to wait it out. This is what Mischel observed of the patient children:

"Instead of getting obsessed with the marshmallow -- the "hot stimulus" -- the patient children distracted themselves by covering their eyes, pretending to play hide-and-seek underneath the desk, or singing songs from "Sesame Street." Their desire wasn't defeated -- it was merely forgotten. "If you're thinking about the marshmallow and how delicious it is, then you're going to eat it," Mischel says. "The key is to avoid thinking about it in the first place." 

Ah. There it is. The trade-off game. The patient children believed the trade-off of spending an additional 15 minutes was larger than that of instantly gobbling up the single marshmallow. They weighed the outcome greater than the work involved, and therefore invested in not focusing on the easy way out. They stuck with their decision and took steps to attain the end goal.  But what is the clincher in the trade-off game? I agree with Glei in that it is the characteristic of self-control and the choice to apply it to goals, aspirations, and even mundane daily tasking. Everyone plays the trade-off game. Spend 30 minutes on twitter or 30 mins writing the report due tomorrow? Get McDonalds on the way home or spend an hour making dinner after a long day of work? However, when you apply the trade-off game and to our desire to achieve a certain level of productivity the real skill that aids us is self-control.

Self-control. The choice to stay in the game, instead of calling a timeout. Self-control. The choice to wake up an extra 30 mins to cook a real breakfast instead of sleeping in again. Self-control. The choice to push through the emotions of missing home and go to work in a foreign country. Self-control. The choice to commit to a project and see it through. Self-control. For me self-control is also knowing when to sit, breathe, relax, and regroup. This is necessary to reach the keep the vision alive, the passion flowing. Self-control. To say NO to adding yet one more task onto your to-do list until the others have been attended to. Self-control. Making myself write this blog even if no one reads it. 

Currently, I feel like a little kid singing "Sesame Street" songs under a desk pretending NOT to notice that I am desperately missing my family while here in India. Efforts are taken to stay busy in attempts of not noticing the marshmallow in front of me. So, sing along with me oh fellow Sesame Street watchers of old "Rubber ducky you're the one, you make bathtime so much fun..." and " C is for cookie" and Bert and Ernie  "I stretch and I yawn...dance myself to sleep...I hoof around my bedroom just tapping my toes". 

The trade-off is worth the wait. The "delayed gratification" of reaching June having had the opportunity to learn so much about a culture, people, and myself is indeed worth the wait. So sing along! 

Fingers to keyboard...

It is a struggle to simply sit, carve out time, and type. Write. Pushing words out of my brain into a textbox with the hope of creating a connection between said words and the assumed reader.  In life I believe that anything worth doing that you allot time to should be probed for intent. Intent...well, I write because I love words and I desire to become a more disciplined writer. Yet, there is a, as any blogger or writer will attest to, deliberate choice needed to be consistent in writing that ultimately lends itself to finding that aforementioned connection. Ah yes, the connection. To create art. To create something of value, worth, and that has motion. It is scary that these words, that this sentence will not be good enough. However, I have not backspaced during this entire post. Wow. That's a first. Risk. That is what writing is about. Pushing through the risk of these words not saying enough. Not carrying the weight of my thoughts properly.

While reading Jeff Goins blog this week I noted a quote by Paul Angone, a brilliant author, summing up the challenge set before each writer involving the risk of writing:

"You have to skin your knees. Even when everyone is standing tall. You have to get on your tippy-toes, while everyone's taking cover. You have to go there, not even knowing where there is."

This is the great challenge of writing for me personally. Not being able to articulate where there is. Looking at a blank page and fearing where it might go, as well as, where it may not go. The fear that it will not be of import. For me Mr. Angone pin pointed my desire to write with this simple statement.

"Because they've felt the same fire. They've had the same thirst."

I believe successful writers use this baseline as a motivator to push through the risk, through the fear of writing.

To create connection. To collaborate. To commit to a craft.

Today I have been "risky." I wrote. No outline created. Just fingers to keyboard.

Check out Jeff's wonderfully insightful blog here : http://goinswriter.com/

Have you had moments in your craft where you had to define your purpose for producing your art and come to terms with the desire to always want to be "happy with it"?  How do you balance this desire?

Nothing like the taste of sweet romance...

As most of you know Jerome and I have embarked on a long distance relationship due to my current post in India. This is a bit of a challenge but the distance is what we make it. This morning my inbox greeted be with a response to an email from Jerome. It made my heart soar and I couldn't resist sharing our honest "prose" with you.

This is the format which we use to correspond back and forth. My original is in coral, and his responses are in black. 

Original sent October 22, 2011 3:33am

Drifting

Chasing

Dreaming of Saturday morning...cold. Back porch with animals.

Fall evenings with beers and friends. Football.

Seeing Monday mornings... with hopes and dreams. Puppies shaking of their sleep and kissing us good morning. Your face being the first thing I see to start my day. Blessed. 

Scarves and coats. New places and etsy shopping.

Coffee brewing and Real Simple pages creased and dog eared with music playing in the background. 

Smell of butternut squash roasting....

Bacon and pancakes because we feel like being silly and laughter fills our mouths as we laugh about so many things...

Trees giving color.

The sun giving energy and desire.

Drifting in and out. 

Focusing in and forward to what's next...

Waking to the reality of India. A magnificent animal that unfortunately is being used and abused. Perhaps it will fight back...

Walking through the reality of a broken world. A beautiful creation and people who have been distracted into absenteeism. We will fight for it... 

Sounds of mom and dad laughing next to a bonfire while I lay wrapped in dad's pineneedle scented coat. Memories push to future.

Thoughts of my Dad lighting up a smoke and talking about what the day would bring and putting hand to plow.... Memories push to future. 

Your Daydreaming wife who feels so disconnected from home,

Your daydreaming husband who strives to feel so connected to God, and as such connected to home.... connected to you. 

Deb

Jerome

It's raining in India. A gentle but consistent evening rain. The kinds that leaves a cool echo in its wake and that begs of tales told while sipping sweet tea on a wrap around porch somewhere in Georgia. Im not in Georgia, however, somehow it calls to me just the same. While sitting criss cross applesauce on my narrow balcony with my sweet mandarin tea (the hubby packed it) I suddenly observe a group of men running for an awning. They hurriedly park their motorbikes and took off for the tailor shop which has a small orange metal awning. They are talking and laughing with the proprietor of the shop and their voices echo off of my building. The wet has covered the road and the tops of all of the apartment buildings, however it is slowing down now. Good wives are rearranging newly soaked laundry they had hoped would be dry by morning. I know they are thinking "darn rain".  My tea is cooling off and I can now actually enjoy a sip. Yum. Twilight has settled across Adarsh Nagar and the very last bit of the sunset is peaking through the clouds, specked by the remaining falling rain droplets.  There is a family that lives in the building across the street from us and their balcony faces mine. They have two little boys and they are reaching out to catch the rain while their parents watch from two plastic lawn chairs. And just as surprisingly swift as the rain came, it disappears.  What a pleasant surprise on this warm Summer evening in India. 

Papercuts

Does it ever amaze you how something so small can have such a painful affect? Papercuts are traditionally annoying, small inconvenient pains that inevitably make you stop whatever you are doing and take an inventory of your body.  However small they may be, those little boogers hurt don’t they?! How is that something so small, something that so often does not even draw blood, can demand our full attention?

In social enterprise there are "papercuts" that make us stop and take inventory of our surroundings, of our current position on the path we are traveling to reach an objective set before us. Quite often we develop tunnel vision while tasking out plans, running towards goals, and hammering away at obstacle after obstacle. Progress is being made!! You feel fantastic in your new "Do-Something-Good" T-shirt. Everyone within earshot believes in your ideas and your ten-page implementation plan to change is running smoothly. Your inbox has just let you know that five new people, including David Bornstein and Bono, are now following you on Twitter and that your blog has eight new comments.  And then, what happens? A "papercut"! In the world of innovating spaces, social media impact, and social enterprise "papercuts" take on all shapes and sizes: prepaid shipping labels go missing, WI-FI magically disappears for a week at your favorite coffee shop, while in a foreign country your flat floods and your computer charger does not survive, negotiations for a new office space in Russia backfire and your market research team is now displaced, an earthquake in Santiago leaves your volunteer team scrambling to find survivors in the orphanage, or the photographer, who is coming to shoot local farmers in Kenya for your ministry website, misses his flight.

Some "papercuts" require minimal attention, while others bring your false sense of reality to a screeching halt. However, there are specific, defining, "papercuts" that make you or your organization sit up and reevaluate your circumstances. For me, "papercuts" are checkpoints that allow us, altruistic individuals in social spaces; to realign our passions with the challenge that has now manifested itself. These are quiet, sneaky questioners asking,  “Why are you doing what you are doing? Do you really want to be doing this?” These small inconvenient setbacks or challenges force a self inventory of personal drive and distinguishing characteristics that have lead you to the unchartered land of social impact.

In a recent article by New York Times columnist, David Brooks, he defines one such characteristic of “rugged altruists” as thanklessness. This is the “ability to keep serving when there are no evident rewards – no fame, no admiration, no gratitude.”  This is the underlying bass line, which keeps so many social entrepreneurs pushing ever forward, ever onward. 

I personally have had my fair share of "papercuts" during my short stay, thus far, in India, and I am certain I will experience more. Remembering that these stinging distractions do NOT define my focus, but rather fine tune my purpose is a way to take the good from the painfully frustrating. "Papercuts" come from actions, from DOING.  We are an actionable breed. So, as you work towards whatever cause you are a proponent for, wear those "papercuts" proudly, and acknowledge they are the bricks with which the road to change is laid.  

The distance is what you make it...

Originally I had planned to stay uber busy with work so as not to notice that I was missing Jerome, home, church community,  and doing life with friends and family back in Atlanta. However, I have realized it is ok to have days where you just want to be home and to embrace those days. This experience can be whatever I want it to be, even if crazy India conditions try to tell me otherwise. It can be a positive or a negative based on both my mindset and outlook. I believe that serving is learning and that if I focus on what I believe I am called to do, the rest will fall into place.  The distance is what you make it...

I was talking to a friend today on skype who asked how I was doing living in a foreign country and if I was finding it hard to adjust to a new work environment. To be honest, as long as I can cook, especially for others, I will be just dandy. Food is therapy for me, and I don't mean just eating it. Creating meals that warm me up and make my tongue dance is a joy.  Tonight's dinner was my old standby, which my wonderful sister-in law, Kathryn, passed down to me from a website (however I have tweaked it a bit). 

Say hello to Garlic Balsamic Honey Chicken: 

Ingredients: 

Balsamic Vinegar 4 Tbp 

Honey 1/4 cup 

3 Garlic Cloves - finely chopped (Drop it to two if you are not one of those people who cares if they have garlic breath. I am not and therefore I go with 3).

2 tsp all purpose seasoning (India version of this is fantastic from Spar)

1 medium tomato - diced

1 medium red onion - roughly chopped

1 cup sliced portabello mushrooms

Salt and Pepper 

2 Tbs Olive Oil 

1tsp butter

2 boneless skinless chicken breast

1) Heat oil in a qt sized pot and add onion and garlic on medium heat and let cook down

2) Add mushrooms, tomato, all purpose seasoning and butter then let this simmer down for a few mins until the onions and mushrooms are getting soft

3) Add balsamic vinegar and honey and give it a good stir

4) Sprinkle chicken with salt and pepper to taste 

5) Turn heat back up to medium and toss in the chicken and cover

6) Chicken will take about 3-4 mins on each side depending on thickness so just babysit the chicken a bit

7) Clean up what is laying around and wait for the amazingness to finish cooking

8) Check chicken for doneness and then slice on a cutting board and plate

9) Cover with sauteed yummy garlic honey goodness and EAT! 

This meal takes 15 mins flat from start to finish. Serve with buttered peas and quinoa and you will be a winner the next time your family graces the dinner table with its presence. 

Distance is what you CHOOSE to make it. Happy eating! 

You know you have domestic tendencies when....

You know you have domestic tendencies when...

1) When you squeal in Spar because you have found clorox and therefore KNOW your chai stained kitchen sink will be clean and stop smelling like rotten foot.

2) You are excited to find a "Western" broom. Resist the urge to scare the Indians in the next aisle over by pretending to play quidditch.

3)You find tupperware containers marked down and instantly imagine which food substance will go into them. Then your brain instantly wanders off into a self dialogue about where you put your Sharpie because you already KNOW what you are going to label each container.

4) Lysol makes you happy. (It is spelled Lisol in India).

5) You envision a marching band,  extravagant floats, and raining confetti all to celebrate YOUR greatest achievement. You finally put away the laundry that has been sitting on the foot of you bed for two days. Pat yourself on the back. You deserve it!

6) You love paper towels and think that sponges are germ filled disgusting creations of Western civilization.

7) You are in India and find a cute apron on sale for 99 rupee and instantly come up with a dinner plan of what you will cook that night to chrisen your apron. You also think about pictures to take in your cute apron.

Enjoy being domestic!!! Embrace it!